First Time 5k runner

6th May 2021

Well, what a day today has been! So many emotions.

I had a job interview today for a similar job but in a different store and more contracted hours (different company). I’ve really not been enjoying the place I currently work, it’s been making me really low and depressed, it wasn’t the job more the management.

So off I went to my interview and it ended with “so now, all you need to do is hand your notice in at ****” so I basically got the job right there. A really good interview.

BUT then I had to hand my notice in at my current job. Something I’ve not had to do and it caused so much anxiety. But I did it!

Then, I had my second Covid jab. I am absolutely, horrifically terrified of injections so getting a Covid Jab is massively anxiety inducing. I dragged my sister along, and got through it, and this time round, I actually didn’t end up crying – I held myself together pretty much.

Next up today was voting in the elections. I always feel so grateful to our ancestors that have given women the ability to vote, I just really hope we manage to get a change of parties in the local area and better MPs and a more competent leader. So hopefully my vote makes a difference.

I am now feeling exhausted and just want to sleep, and I’m praying I don’t suffer too much from the jab.

April 27th 2021

Hey guys, thank you to new followers and people liking previous posts. I am sorry I haven’t been keeping on top of the blog, my mood just hasn’t been with it lately.

I am sorry to say that I can’t complete the Couch to 5k. Due to EDS, it’s far too painful for me to do, I end up in absolute agony. I can’t follow it, I have to stop and walk, or just stop completely.

I am still taking part in cheerleading, and we’re finally back in the gym, able to work on the routine and all the other stuff.

In cheerleading, I’m not really a Tumbler. I just don’t have the skills, but I’m the routine I have a hurdle step – cartwheel- forward roll pass and I’ve always struggled to hurdle step -cartwheel. I started working on it, started making progress then that darn lockdown happened and it’s something I’ve got to get myself doing again. It’s not easy, it scares me, sometimes I’ll go for it (technique isn’t there but I do it) then other times I can’t get myself to cartwheel. It’s frustrating.

As I said above, my mood hasn’t been great lately. I am just constantly tired, feeling low, wanting to cry and wanting to be held.

I have my fiancé, and I’ve been super cuddley lately. I just wanna hug him, I want him to hug me but I’m reality his hugs aren’t helping me.

What I actually crave is a motherly hug. Someone that can just hold me in that kind of way. I’m not sure if this is making sense but to me, there’s a difference.

My issue is that I don’t have a mother/daughter relationship. I can’t get what I need and my mood and mental health is really suffering for it.

I had counselling last week and there was a moment of me really wanting to cry, but I don’t cry, I can’t let myself cry…. shitty conditioning. However, afterwards I was questioning myself, questioning why I couldn’t just let it happen, questioning what my problem is and I finally came to a realisation of what my issue is. During counselling, if I cry, that just means that I’m being watched. I’m sat there being watched whilst I cry and I can’t deal with that. Whereas, if I was with a friend, if Covid and Social distancing didn’t exist and I were to cry, I’d be hugged and held, not sat across the room patiently waiting for me to finish crying. And it’s that that I find awkward.

If I could go to counselling, sit on the floor (I love sitting on the floor), with a blanket and could be hugged whilst I sit and cry – that is what would help but it isn’t possible. I hate covid.

So here I am, struggling alone with my thoughts because the idea of releasing them is a lot more terrifying.

Tuesday 6th April

Today has been a good day; other than the fact the bin men woke me up just before 7am and I WAS NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THAT! 😂😂

I spent the morning watching Wizards of Waverley Place and had a really chilled morning before going off to work.

Work wasn’t a bad shift. I’ve actually been lucky with work lately and my shifts have been pretty decent.

The main issue I’ve had today is god awful toothache. I think I’ve got an impacted wisdom tooth and/or it’s infected. Either way it HURTS and I’m terrified of the dentist. I actually rang one up this morning but they didn’t have any NHS space and advised me to call 111 but by that point I’d decided I can’t put myself through the commitment again. I’d made the decision to ring and book this specific dentist and go through with it but once that spanner was thrown in, it threw me off course and I couldn’t get myself to go through that again. Damn anxiety!

Tonight, I’ve had food and watched The Circle. Also, chatted with a cheer friend about The Circle and if we’d play ourselves or catfish; I said I’m not confident in myself so I’d like to be someone who I’d like to be.. and S said she loved me and everyone at cheer also loves me. It was so nice to hear. So heartwarming and reassuring. I always have this anxiety that people don’t actually like me, they’re just nice to me, so hearing this is absolutely amazing!

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. I made a Beef Stew in the slow cooker

2. I got told people love me

3. I had a really good day (except tooth ache)

Monday 5th April

Today has been pretty okay. I woke up in the night and struggled to get good sleep so I did wake up feeling a bit rough and tired, but also excited because I had plans to see my best friend.

She had text me the other day to say she was in town over Easter visiting her parents. She lives miles away, and I barely see her so I fully rearranged plans just to see her.

So we went to my friends, sat in the garden trying to follow rules but it was freezing so we sat in the kitchen instead. We had so many laughs and it was incredible to spend some time with her, even if it was only a couple of hours.

When we left, I did a bit of shopping (food) and went home; cooked some tea for B but I wasn’t really hungry so didn’t do myself any.

This evening I feel quite low. I feel like I want to wrap myself up in a blanket and cry. I feel like I want to be looked after, cared for, mothered. I just feel a bit meh and sad. I need a tight hug.

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. I saw my best friend!

2. I attempted self care

3. I had a McDonald’s

Sunday 4th April

Hey 👋 today has been a good day. I woke up feeling refreshed and had a lot of motivation to do things.

I did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen table, and did a full deep clean of Ron’s cage.

After all the cleaning, I had a bath, then cooked and had a roast dinner.

Tonight we were allowed to return to the gym at cheerleading. Anybody with Disabilities can return to indoor sports, so me and others were allowed to return.

Although, returning to the gym and actually being able to do things we can’t usually do at home via zoom, has left my poor knees in pain!

Cheer was a good session despite the knee pain. Other people on the team had to join in via zoom if they didn’t have disabilities so it was sad not to have them in the gym too but we should only have to wait another couple of weeks.

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. I woke up feeling refreshed and awake

2. We were allowed back in the gym at cheer

3. I did a lot of chores

Exhaustion

Hi, firstly I just feel like I need to apologise to whoever reads my posts; I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in a few days, I’ve been extremely exhausted. It’s been busy.

So from the Wednesday night pranking for my mum’s birthday, I haven’t been able to catch up on that sleep/rest and day by day, I’ve been feeling so much more exhausted. It’s been a case of working and doing whatever I needed to do, then mindlessly scrolling through social media or TikTok because I couldn’t even concentrate on the basic things.

I’ve wanted to write blog posts, but my brain wasn’t functioning all that well to put two sentences together. I didn’t know what to write, even though I had plenty to write about.

Thursday morning I had work, after being up until 3am pranking my mum. In the evening we went for a BBQ for her birthday.

Friday morning, I had counselling. I don’t cry. It’s an emotion that’s hard for me to express, but three times during the session, I felt like I was about to burst out crying; this wasn’t 100% because of the things we were talking about, part of it was just because it was really relaxed, I wasn’t worrying about who I was or how I should act, and my brain decided it was the perfect time to cry. I think that if in that moment, someone wrapped a blanket round me and hugged me, I would’ve balled my eyes out. I would’ve lost all of that control and I would’ve broke. I didn’t cry, I managed to stay strong enough to hold myself together.

After counselling, me and my sister were meant to go for a jog, I got to my sister’s house and she wasn’t awake, she wasn’t feeling too good so it never happened. We just watched a bit of TV then I got ready and went to work. Again, all of this whilst being so exhausted. Friday evening, me and B watched a lot of TV – Falcon and Winter Soldier, The Circle and Gogglebox.

Saturday, we went for a walk and picnic at Alton Towers Gardens with my parents, brother, sister and brother-in-law – again another celebration for my mum’s birthday. I live pretty close, it’s something I’ve done a lot before, I don’t find the gardens that exciting but it was the first time for my parents. After that, we had to go to B’s parents. B needed to pick some things up, we were only meant to be there 10-20 mins and ended up being there an hour!

Once we got home, I had a power nap on the chair whilst waiting for a Chinese Takeaway to be delivered. We watched Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, an episode of Canada’s Drag Race and then got ourselves an early night.

I finally slept really well and long enough to wake up this morning feeling refreshed and awake. I feel good. I’m in the mood to do quite a lot of cleaning today. So it seems like it will be a good day.

April Fools Day

Hey! Have you all had a fun day? I hope any pranks or jokes done or been done to you has been fun and not too brutal or damaging.

Today is also my Mum’s 50th birthday and my sister and me planned the biggest prank ever!

At midnight last night, we went to her house and planted SO MANY balloons in her car, then wrapped her car in shrink wrap. We then had a banner across the front of the house, THEN made a mess with more balloons, toilet paper and wrapping paper in her living room (I’ll add photos at the end of the post)

We got home about 3am and I had work at 8.30am so I have been extremely tired!

This evening we went back to my mums for a BBQ and had a great time.

I planned an early night busy it’s not happening right now!

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. I managed to sort delivery at work.

2. Last night we played the best prank on my mum

3. I have been told 3 times recently that it looks like I’ve lost weight

Tuesday 30th March – SO MUCH PAIN!

Hey folks! Today is a bad day in regards to my mood and it’s all down to the pain in my legs. I feel extremely low, I want to pain to go and I want to cry a LOT!

Work was actually a good shift, I was working mostly alone and needed just that, with my legs hurting I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody.

Also at work, 4 of us were due an hour break so we ordered a KFC and sat out back and ate our KFC. It was great.

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. I had a KFC from work

2. I got through an 8-hour shift in agony

3. I watched old Gladiators

Monday 29th March

So, I hate to admit defeat with the Couch To 5k. I can’t do it. Not because of my ability but because it causes a lot of pain.

I thought the pain was because it was something new, and the pain would get better with time. However, three weeks in and my ankle and calf hurt so much with each run. It’s annoying, very disappointing and I can’t understand it. It’s all my right side, always in agony no matter how I warm up and stretch.

So, I do still keep going, my sister is still getting through it and I am SO PROUD of her for doing it. I work through cheer stuff instead. I get some mats, I work though the things I’m bad at with cheer, working on my own skills. With cheerleading, I know my body’s abilities and adaptations, I know what hurts and what I’m capable of doing, so I can avoid most of the pain I get, even though my knees are quite fragile so they get slight pain no matter what I do.

Today, my work out was pants. My body was exhausted from last night’s cheer workout. My legs felt heavy, cartwheels weren’t happening. I was tired so the workout was awful.

After the exercise, me and T watched some TV before I had to go to work. Work was alright, wasn’t too busy, didn’t have much to do, but the things I did have to do, were lengthy.

I’ve come home from work, had a bath and some food and watching more TV.

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. I treated myself to a McDonald’s

2. I scare pranked B

3. My mood has been good today

Sunday 28th March

Well, what can I say about today? Today was awful! Such a stressful day.

It started with my drive to work when I almost got into an accident because someone didn’t give way to me at the roundabout.

Then, work… stressful AF! Today was my shift, I was the duty manager today. Half hour into the shift, one of the lads received an email from his school to say one person in his class had tested positive for covid, so he must self isolate. He had to go home. Then I went through all the staff to try get somebody else in, everybody said no. So I’m the end the store had me and one other lad in, all day, trying to do everything we could do. We couldn’t get any jobs done at all. It was crazy and stressful. We did a good job with the circumstances.

I came home and things got better. It was cheerleading night, and even more exciting because it’s our last one via Zoom if we are disabled, as indoor sports for disabled people are allowed to commence from tomorrow. Being part of the paracheer team, that includes me. I can’t wait. It won’t be the same, paracheer integrates disabled and abled folk so those without disabilities have to still stay home and join in via Zoom which sucks, but I am excited that I’ll be allowed back in the gym.

Tonight’s session was good. I got a bit of a compliment on the way I did part of the dance section and the words “can we all be Jade?” Was spoke by one of the coaches which meant a lot! Dance is my worst section of cheer; dance is an extroverts part, you have to be very extra and showy – definitely not for me an introvert. So this small compliment really meant a lot, made me feel good.

I am in a lot of pain tonight though! Taken painkillers. Hating my body! Wanna cry 😢

It’s gonna be hard to find three positives from today, so I might add things I’m grateful for.

THREE POSITIVES FROM TODAY:

1. Cheerleading went really well.

2. I am grateful for L at work, he’s a hard worker and really pulled through today’s tough shift

3. I grateful to be able to afford snacks