Hey guys, thank you to new followers and people liking previous posts. I am sorry I haven’t been keeping on top of the blog, my mood just hasn’t been with it lately.
I am sorry to say that I can’t complete the Couch to 5k. Due to EDS, it’s far too painful for me to do, I end up in absolute agony. I can’t follow it, I have to stop and walk, or just stop completely.
I am still taking part in cheerleading, and we’re finally back in the gym, able to work on the routine and all the other stuff.
In cheerleading, I’m not really a Tumbler. I just don’t have the skills, but I’m the routine I have a hurdle step – cartwheel- forward roll pass and I’ve always struggled to hurdle step -cartwheel. I started working on it, started making progress then that darn lockdown happened and it’s something I’ve got to get myself doing again. It’s not easy, it scares me, sometimes I’ll go for it (technique isn’t there but I do it) then other times I can’t get myself to cartwheel. It’s frustrating.
As I said above, my mood hasn’t been great lately. I am just constantly tired, feeling low, wanting to cry and wanting to be held.
I have my fiancé, and I’ve been super cuddley lately. I just wanna hug him, I want him to hug me but I’m reality his hugs aren’t helping me.
What I actually crave is a motherly hug. Someone that can just hold me in that kind of way. I’m not sure if this is making sense but to me, there’s a difference.
My issue is that I don’t have a mother/daughter relationship. I can’t get what I need and my mood and mental health is really suffering for it.
I had counselling last week and there was a moment of me really wanting to cry, but I don’t cry, I can’t let myself cry…. shitty conditioning. However, afterwards I was questioning myself, questioning why I couldn’t just let it happen, questioning what my problem is and I finally came to a realisation of what my issue is. During counselling, if I cry, that just means that I’m being watched. I’m sat there being watched whilst I cry and I can’t deal with that. Whereas, if I was with a friend, if Covid and Social distancing didn’t exist and I were to cry, I’d be hugged and held, not sat across the room patiently waiting for me to finish crying. And it’s that that I find awkward.
If I could go to counselling, sit on the floor (I love sitting on the floor), with a blanket and could be hugged whilst I sit and cry – that is what would help but it isn’t possible. I hate covid.
So here I am, struggling alone with my thoughts because the idea of releasing them is a lot more terrifying.
First Time 5k runner 